Fresh Back From Honeymoon, Great Press Coverage!

Wow! It's as though I never actually went away on a honeymoon.

The press coverage since I came back has been amazing, even got a photo-spread in that rag the Daily Mail.

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The Special Stag Night

"Thwoooooaaaarh!! Look At That!!!!!!!"

I have invited all my friends to my stag night, and the good news is that Justine has agreed to turn up.

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Yes To AV, No To Clegg

It seems that our Yes campaign (without Clegg) is really beginning to work.


I'm sure that this is because of my principled decision not to share a platform with the disgraced and unpopular Nick Clegg.

I think it is so successful that I will do the same thing come the next General Election.

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Grandpa Moneybags

Bit of a tricky time at the Chamber of Commerce Conference, when some know-all asked what business experience I had.

Luckily I remembered that my grandad had been a businessman.

Sadly he died before I was born, but I used to hear a lot about him from my dad, who constantly referred to the greedy capitalist old bastard. He must have been quite successful, though, as he left daddy enough so he could afford to be a Marxist.

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The Wedding Of The Year!

I'm finally getting round to marrying the mother of my children, it will undoubtedly be the wedding of the year. I'm waiting for the phone call from "Hello", I've decided that £2 million would be a reasonable starting point for negotiations, and that I'll push towards five.

My mother nagged and nagged and nagged, so I asked my brother to be best man. He said, "You don't really want me, you're just asking to please Mamma!"

I said, "No, really, it's you I want. No-one else! It's you or it's nobody!"

He told me to fuck off, so there'll be no best man. Besides, I'm obviously the best man as well as the groom, I mean, who won the leadership contest?

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Brotherly Love My Arse!

Just what I need, big brother Banana-man creeping out of the shadows to stir up trouble. Even that toffee-nosed git Cameron noticed and used it to make me look like a cunt.

If he was so fucking clever and brave, why didn't he knife the snot gobbler when he had the chance instead of pratting about with a banana?

And they say I'm weird!!!!!!!

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Nothing To Do WIth Me!

Err, I'd just like to insist that my close neighbour and long term friend Professor David Held is someone I've never met and have never had anything to do with. And nor has my family.

No matter what that bastard Guido says.

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