Fresh Back From Honeymoon, Great Press Coverage!

Wow! It's as though I never actually went away on a honeymoon.

The press coverage since I came back has been amazing, even got a photo-spread in that rag the Daily Mail.

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The Special Stag Night

"Thwoooooaaaarh!! Look At That!!!!!!!"

I have invited all my friends to my stag night, and the good news is that Justine has agreed to turn up.

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Yes To AV, No To Clegg

It seems that our Yes campaign (without Clegg) is really beginning to work.


I'm sure that this is because of my principled decision not to share a platform with the disgraced and unpopular Nick Clegg.

I think it is so successful that I will do the same thing come the next General Election.

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Grandpa Moneybags

Bit of a tricky time at the Chamber of Commerce Conference, when some know-all asked what business experience I had.

Luckily I remembered that my grandad had been a businessman.

Sadly he died before I was born, but I used to hear a lot about him from my dad, who constantly referred to the greedy capitalist old bastard. He must have been quite successful, though, as he left daddy enough so he could afford to be a Marxist.

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The Wedding Of The Year!

I'm finally getting round to marrying the mother of my children, it will undoubtedly be the wedding of the year. I'm waiting for the phone call from "Hello", I've decided that £2 million would be a reasonable starting point for negotiations, and that I'll push towards five.

My mother nagged and nagged and nagged, so I asked my brother to be best man. He said, "You don't really want me, you're just asking to please Mamma!"

I said, "No, really, it's you I want. No-one else! It's you or it's nobody!"

He told me to fuck off, so there'll be no best man. Besides, I'm obviously the best man as well as the groom, I mean, who won the leadership contest?

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Brotherly Love My Arse!

Just what I need, big brother Banana-man creeping out of the shadows to stir up trouble. Even that toffee-nosed git Cameron noticed and used it to make me look like a cunt.

If he was so fucking clever and brave, why didn't he knife the snot gobbler when he had the chance instead of pratting about with a banana?

And they say I'm weird!!!!!!!

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Nothing To Do WIth Me!

Err, I'd just like to insist that my close neighbour and long term friend Professor David Held is someone I've never met and have never had anything to do with. And nor has my family.

No matter what that bastard Guido says.

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Alexander The Great

Fantastic performance by my superdooper new Shadow Foreign Secretary on the telly!

Despite being roughed up by that nasty Paxman he bravely struck to the storyline that the troubles in Libya are happening under a Tory-led Coalition and therefore nothing to do with any of us.

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Back To The Past!

The Glory Days Will Return!

I have a great idea!

New Liebore have become rather unpopular because of a few paltry mistakes such as the Iraq War and No More Boom and Bust.

So I'm changing the name of the party to Old Labour!

Brilliant, eh?

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My Big Blank Book Of Policies

Sheer Genius! I have to congratulate myself, because this is such a brilliant wheeze, straight out of Roger the Dodger's best ever cunning plans.

The wicked evil Tories are always pointing their horrid little fingers at all the policy mistakes that we made when we ran things, as though running up a huge deficit was somehow a bad thing. So now I have decided that they won't be able to criticise any of my policies, by not having any.

Clever, innit?

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A Proper Balls-Up!

You just can't get decent staff these days!

I mean, there I was being kind enough to give that old fool Alan Johnson a job and he resigns simply because he finds some copper has been shagging his wife. And his secretary, so it's not like it was serious, for crying out loud!

No consideration for me at all, the ungrateful git.

Now I've had to give that swivel-eyed lunatic the Shadow Chancellorship, which is going to cause me more grief than it is Osborne. No chance of a copper shagging his wife, more's the pity!

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The Postman Is Doing A Great Job!

I hope you can see why my choice of giving the all-important Shadow Chancellor job to Postman Prat was such a brilliant one.

Everytime the fat disloyal wanker opens his mouth he displays such stunning ignorance and stupidity that his chances of being taken seriously in any leadership challenge are zero and going south.

I'm so clever!

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No More Radio Two, It's Full Of Bigots!

Who on earth let me go on Radio Two? When I find out they are dead meat. I mean, it's just ridiculous, the place was chockablock full of bigots, and they kept asking me questions!

Bad enough getting caught telling alll sorts of porkies about the deficit, but then to be humiliated live on the radio...

Someone will pay for this.

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Just Can't Get Decent Staff These Days!

Just what do I have to do to get decent staff?
Sometimes it makes me quite cross.

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The West Lothian Question

People say I have not got any policy ideas, but I can tell you that I jolly well have!

I'm going to campaign to have all Scotch politicians banned from England!

I'll give the ungrateful bastards independence from England - from English pensions, for starters, especially for old failed political dinosaurs.

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It's OK, They Won't Remember What I Said!

"Come And Join Me On The Sofa - Look, It's Orange!!"

Today I'm reaching out to embrace the Liberal Democrats and ask them to join with me in the Beyond Nu-Liebore Progressive Party where sky-blue thinking and pushing the envelope with cutting edge political philosophy is in our shared DNA.

Luckily they are so self-centred and such political lightweights that they wont remember that only a few short months ago I was calling for the pig-thick electorate to eradicate them completely...

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New Liebore Candidate For Oldham

I am doing my very best to persuade Tony Bliar to stand for the election in Oldham and Saddleworth. I've pointed out that although it is a shithole it is not as bad as Sedgefield, with better beer in the working mens club. I told him, "Tone, I know you're a busy man, but you could work from home like Gordon does", but I don't think I've convinced him yet.

Maybe it's the new expenses regime?

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Nobly Drawing A Line To Protect His Family

I am truly humbled and impressed by the self sacrifice and nobility of David Cheater, who has pleaded guilty to fiddling his expenses in order to save his family the ordeal of being forced to tell the truth in court about his accounting errors.

Poor David has had a terrible time over the last few years, forced through circumstances to move house six times in five years. And losing his sainted mother, who was kind enough to rent him her hovel so he could claim expenses on it. It's no wonder he lost track of his mortgages!

Let's hope he gets the benefit of Ken Clarke's initiative to keep minor offences from clogging up the prisons, I'm sure there's lots of litter needs picking up which would be much more useful as well as being much less painful than having some hulking lout buggering one of our finest and most upstanding New Liebore politicians.

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Appeal Court Proves I'm Right (And David Is Wrong!)

A Donkey With A Red Rosette

Ha Ha Ha Ha! The Court of Appeal have thrown out weedy Woolas's appeal against being thrown out.

Not that I'm pleased to lose an MP, but it does show I was right in throwing the little weasel to the wolves - unlike my brother David, whose was supportive of the twerp.

Anyway, isn't Oldham the sort of place we can pin a red rosette on a donkey and get it elected? I thought that was exactly what we did with Woolas, actually.

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The Blair Brown Schism

People will keep banging on about splits in the New Liebore family.

I mean, really!! It's no more of an issue than the Sunni Shia thing, merely different parts of the same big happy Muslim family of brothers.

You might as well say there was a problem between my brother David and me!

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