Nothing To Do WIth Me!

Err, I'd just like to insist that my close neighbour and long term friend Professor David Held is someone I've never met and have never had anything to do with. And nor has my family.

No matter what that bastard Guido says.

Buzz

Alexander The Great

Fantastic performance by my superdooper new Shadow Foreign Secretary on the telly!

Despite being roughed up by that nasty Paxman he bravely struck to the storyline that the troubles in Libya are happening under a Tory-led Coalition and therefore nothing to do with any of us.

Buzz

Back To The Past!

The Glory Days Will Return!

I have a great idea!

New Liebore have become rather unpopular because of a few paltry mistakes such as the Iraq War and No More Boom and Bust.

So I'm changing the name of the party to Old Labour!

Brilliant, eh?

Buzz

My Big Blank Book Of Policies

Sheer Genius! I have to congratulate myself, because this is such a brilliant wheeze, straight out of Roger the Dodger's best ever cunning plans.

The wicked evil Tories are always pointing their horrid little fingers at all the policy mistakes that we made when we ran things, as though running up a huge deficit was somehow a bad thing. So now I have decided that they won't be able to criticise any of my policies, by not having any.

Clever, innit?

Buzz

A Proper Balls-Up!

You just can't get decent staff these days!

I mean, there I was being kind enough to give that old fool Alan Johnson a job and he resigns simply because he finds some copper has been shagging his wife. And his secretary, so it's not like it was serious, for crying out loud!

No consideration for me at all, the ungrateful git.

Now I've had to give that swivel-eyed lunatic the Shadow Chancellorship, which is going to cause me more grief than it is Osborne. No chance of a copper shagging his wife, more's the pity!

Buzz

The Postman Is Doing A Great Job!

I hope you can see why my choice of giving the all-important Shadow Chancellor job to Postman Prat was such a brilliant one.

Everytime the fat disloyal wanker opens his mouth he displays such stunning ignorance and stupidity that his chances of being taken seriously in any leadership challenge are zero and going south.

I'm so clever!

Buzz

No More Radio Two, It's Full Of Bigots!

Who on earth let me go on Radio Two? When I find out they are dead meat. I mean, it's just ridiculous, the place was chockablock full of bigots, and they kept asking me questions!

Bad enough getting caught telling alll sorts of porkies about the deficit, but then to be humiliated live on the radio...

Someone will pay for this.

Buzz