Fresh Back From Honeymoon, Great Press Coverage!

Wow! It's as though I never actually went away on a honeymoon.

The press coverage since I came back has been amazing, even got a photo-spread in that rag the Daily Mail.

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The Special Stag Night

"Thwoooooaaaarh!! Look At That!!!!!!!"

I have invited all my friends to my stag night, and the good news is that Justine has agreed to turn up.

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Yes To AV, No To Clegg

It seems that our Yes campaign (without Clegg) is really beginning to work.


I'm sure that this is because of my principled decision not to share a platform with the disgraced and unpopular Nick Clegg.

I think it is so successful that I will do the same thing come the next General Election.

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Grandpa Moneybags

Bit of a tricky time at the Chamber of Commerce Conference, when some know-all asked what business experience I had.

Luckily I remembered that my grandad had been a businessman.

Sadly he died before I was born, but I used to hear a lot about him from my dad, who constantly referred to the greedy capitalist old bastard. He must have been quite successful, though, as he left daddy enough so he could afford to be a Marxist.

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The Wedding Of The Year!

I'm finally getting round to marrying the mother of my children, it will undoubtedly be the wedding of the year. I'm waiting for the phone call from "Hello", I've decided that £2 million would be a reasonable starting point for negotiations, and that I'll push towards five.

My mother nagged and nagged and nagged, so I asked my brother to be best man. He said, "You don't really want me, you're just asking to please Mamma!"

I said, "No, really, it's you I want. No-one else! It's you or it's nobody!"

He told me to fuck off, so there'll be no best man. Besides, I'm obviously the best man as well as the groom, I mean, who won the leadership contest?

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Brotherly Love My Arse!

Just what I need, big brother Banana-man creeping out of the shadows to stir up trouble. Even that toffee-nosed git Cameron noticed and used it to make me look like a cunt.

If he was so fucking clever and brave, why didn't he knife the snot gobbler when he had the chance instead of pratting about with a banana?

And they say I'm weird!!!!!!!

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Nothing To Do WIth Me!

Err, I'd just like to insist that my close neighbour and long term friend Professor David Held is someone I've never met and have never had anything to do with. And nor has my family.

No matter what that bastard Guido says.

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Alexander The Great

Fantastic performance by my superdooper new Shadow Foreign Secretary on the telly!

Despite being roughed up by that nasty Paxman he bravely struck to the storyline that the troubles in Libya are happening under a Tory-led Coalition and therefore nothing to do with any of us.

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Back To The Past!

The Glory Days Will Return!

I have a great idea!

New Liebore have become rather unpopular because of a few paltry mistakes such as the Iraq War and No More Boom and Bust.

So I'm changing the name of the party to Old Labour!

Brilliant, eh?

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My Big Blank Book Of Policies

Sheer Genius! I have to congratulate myself, because this is such a brilliant wheeze, straight out of Roger the Dodger's best ever cunning plans.

The wicked evil Tories are always pointing their horrid little fingers at all the policy mistakes that we made when we ran things, as though running up a huge deficit was somehow a bad thing. So now I have decided that they won't be able to criticise any of my policies, by not having any.

Clever, innit?

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A Proper Balls-Up!

You just can't get decent staff these days!

I mean, there I was being kind enough to give that old fool Alan Johnson a job and he resigns simply because he finds some copper has been shagging his wife. And his secretary, so it's not like it was serious, for crying out loud!

No consideration for me at all, the ungrateful git.

Now I've had to give that swivel-eyed lunatic the Shadow Chancellorship, which is going to cause me more grief than it is Osborne. No chance of a copper shagging his wife, more's the pity!

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The Postman Is Doing A Great Job!

I hope you can see why my choice of giving the all-important Shadow Chancellor job to Postman Prat was such a brilliant one.

Everytime the fat disloyal wanker opens his mouth he displays such stunning ignorance and stupidity that his chances of being taken seriously in any leadership challenge are zero and going south.

I'm so clever!

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No More Radio Two, It's Full Of Bigots!

Who on earth let me go on Radio Two? When I find out they are dead meat. I mean, it's just ridiculous, the place was chockablock full of bigots, and they kept asking me questions!

Bad enough getting caught telling alll sorts of porkies about the deficit, but then to be humiliated live on the radio...

Someone will pay for this.

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