Just Can't Get Decent Staff These Days!

Just what do I have to do to get decent staff?
Sometimes it makes me quite cross.

Buzz

The West Lothian Question

People say I have not got any policy ideas, but I can tell you that I jolly well have!

I'm going to campaign to have all Scotch politicians banned from England!

I'll give the ungrateful bastards independence from England - from English pensions, for starters, especially for old failed political dinosaurs.

Buzz

It's OK, They Won't Remember What I Said!

"Come And Join Me On The Sofa - Look, It's Orange!!"

Today I'm reaching out to embrace the Liberal Democrats and ask them to join with me in the Beyond Nu-Liebore Progressive Party where sky-blue thinking and pushing the envelope with cutting edge political philosophy is in our shared DNA.

Luckily they are so self-centred and such political lightweights that they wont remember that only a few short months ago I was calling for the pig-thick electorate to eradicate them completely...

Buzz

New Liebore Candidate For Oldham

I am doing my very best to persuade Tony Bliar to stand for the election in Oldham and Saddleworth. I've pointed out that although it is a shithole it is not as bad as Sedgefield, with better beer in the working mens club. I told him, "Tone, I know you're a busy man, but you could work from home like Gordon does", but I don't think I've convinced him yet.

Maybe it's the new expenses regime?

Buzz

Nobly Drawing A Line To Protect His Family

I am truly humbled and impressed by the self sacrifice and nobility of David Cheater, who has pleaded guilty to fiddling his expenses in order to save his family the ordeal of being forced to tell the truth in court about his accounting errors.

Poor David has had a terrible time over the last few years, forced through circumstances to move house six times in five years. And losing his sainted mother, who was kind enough to rent him her hovel so he could claim expenses on it. It's no wonder he lost track of his mortgages!

Let's hope he gets the benefit of Ken Clarke's initiative to keep minor offences from clogging up the prisons, I'm sure there's lots of litter needs picking up which would be much more useful as well as being much less painful than having some hulking lout buggering one of our finest and most upstanding New Liebore politicians.

Buzz

Appeal Court Proves I'm Right (And David Is Wrong!)

A Donkey With A Red Rosette

Ha Ha Ha Ha! The Court of Appeal have thrown out weedy Woolas's appeal against being thrown out.

Not that I'm pleased to lose an MP, but it does show I was right in throwing the little weasel to the wolves - unlike my brother David, whose was supportive of the twerp.

Anyway, isn't Oldham the sort of place we can pin a red rosette on a donkey and get it elected? I thought that was exactly what we did with Woolas, actually.

Buzz

The Blair Brown Schism

People will keep banging on about splits in the New Liebore family.

I mean, really!! It's no more of an issue than the Sunni Shia thing, merely different parts of the same big happy Muslim family of brothers.

You might as well say there was a problem between my brother David and me!

Buzz

That Cameron Is A Nasty Bully!

Well, I hope that everyone noticed how horrible the Prime Minister was to me today.

This is a trick I used to pull when I was at school. All the other kids would pick on me saying I looked like a fucking weirdo, so I'd wait until some teachers were around and then burst into tears. This worked a treat, getting me sympathy and sometimes even a chance to warm up in the staff room, and the bullies would get detention.

Of course, I had to be careful on the way home.

This time I have to be careful at meetings of the PLP.

Buzz

I'm Really Very Cross About These Wikileaks!

I'm spitting teeth. I'm so cross I could pretend to throw a Nokia.

I've been looking very closely at all of these damaging revelations from the Wikileaks publishing of American diplomatic cables, and I just can't believe it.

There's no mention of me whatsoever!!

How very dare they!

Buzz

My Top Top Team – Part Three, Yvette Balls

This one was a no-brainer! As well as having to keep her horrible husband out of the Treasury, I couldn’t have this woman causing trouble there, especially as she knows where Gordon and his pet badger buried so many of the bodies and she could easily dig them up.

So I gave her the Foreign Office brief, and if that means she has to traipse round after Billy Hague getting jet-lagged, that’s just brilliant planning on my part. Just think how clever I’ve been, getting both the Harpy and Yvette out of the country for long periods of time!!

And if that means that she and Ed Ballsup have less time to spend together, well, there’s yet another bonus.

Buzz

My Top Top Team – Part Two, The Harpy

The Bonus

Among the many wonderful things that I have inherited from Gordon is the deputy leader of the Liebore Party, Harriet Harpy. In fact, it’s even better than that because I get Jack Dromey as well in a sort of two-for-the price-of-one supermarket deal, and it’s so useful having Jack’s financial acumen to call upon, as otherwise I might have to ask Ed Balls for advice. (No point asking the Postie!)

Harpy is completely loyal and trustworthy, and has a firm grip on reality. I know I can rely on her 110%, especially now Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt have retired.

So I decided that she should be in charge of splurging money on overseas projects in poor undeveloped places like India and China. This may well keep her out of the country for long periods, if we are lucky.

Buzz

My Top Top Team - Part One, The Postie

How Many Fingers Is That?

I'm so lucky in that my Shadow Cabinet have all been chosen for me, saving me the trouble. It's even better that my big brother decided to spend more time with his bananas, so I don't have to worry about keeping him happy.

Having seen at close quarters how difficult it can be for a leader when there's a troublesome arsehole as Chancellor I deliberately mades sure that Ed "Mini-Brown" Balls was going nowhere near the Treasury brief. Instead I placed Postman Prat there, because he's hardly the sharpest tool in the box and I won't have any trouble with him. After all, he can barely add two and two together.

Then I come back from my well-earned paternity leave to find that the silly old fart has gone and stated that the 50p top tax rate should only be a temporary measure, and that's just not what I promised the brothers to secure their support.

Seems you can't rely on anyone!

Buzz

I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue!

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a socialist, because it's better than admitting I'm really a marxist like my dear old dad, who set us up nicely with a property empire and a trust fund before he popped his clogs.

And now I'm in charge of the Progressive New Lie-bore Party and the old farts can be safely ignored I'm going to do things my way. Only trouble is, I have been so busy sucking cock and licking arses that I've not really had any time to come up with any ideas.

So, what we are going to do in the Great Beyond is set up a load of think tanks and ideas groups to make suggestions and brain storm. You know, run a few up the flag pole and see who salutes, bit of blue sky thinking, pushing the envelope. Maybe I should see if I can hire the pros from Dover, Postman Pat was telling me how good they are.

And best of all, I'm going to put all the trouble-makers like Ed Ballsup and his ugly husband in charge of them, so they've got less time for plotting. That just leaves the unions to keep happy.
Still, I can promise them anything, can't I?

Buzz

A New LieBore Beginning

Well, that all went rather well, I thought. Apart from not having the time to go and join in the student protests, which of course I really wanted to do, but then found I was too busy with important things, like telling journalists all about my exciting plans for re-making New Liebore in my own image.

Still, you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs - or as I keep telling David, you have to have real spunk to make babies.

So, now to really get to work on the squeezed muddle.

Buzz